4.25 AM... Can't close my eyes...

Saturday, the June 12.. (2004)
Ok... now its Sunday, the thirteenth...

Home..
Eyes can't close...
After the bartender understood my request for coffee with lot of milk, ....as coffee and little milk in a beer glass, and the following two red bulls, do not need to look for other resons...
Took a mango.. Nibbling on it..
Another night, with one thing to write, many stories to tell about...
Can't fucking close my eyes...

First of all, today,... after spending the day like a zombie, slept till eleven in the nite...
Woke up, took a shower,
Went to panama..
I enter and see five colleagues..
All women...
The night will not be seeing me much active... I guessed...

Am inside for half hour,
A friend comes,
Back from San Fransisco for a holiday...
"Hey, I could not recognize you.. You got older in the to months" She says..
"Thanx..."
Yea, I think I've been like this for the past month...
I do not know what's wrong with me...
In some point I sent her away, needed freedom..
Felt claustrophobic..
Something which I feel too often these days.. Am really owing her an excuse for that...

The barmaid in Panama I know, snarled at me...
I do not know why...

Yes, am home..
And yes, no girl with me..
And yes, I could've had a pick out of five...
At least..

Did I make a move?
No....
Not on these choices I had..

They were all beautiful, mind you.. Taking reference to other guys.. Who desperately tried to hunt them down...
That does not matter much...
I did not make my move...
Preferred dancing on Insomnia by myself...
Or whatever else song there was...
The music was my salvation..

Back to the five...
White dress brunette, pink blonde, red brunette, the others I don't remember...

Same as not feeling like saying hi to women I know...
Just did not feel like going over and have a conversation,
With somebody I would just go,
"Wham bam, .... bye ma'am"

Mango finished, Disco Boys playing silently, and the windows open,
Freezing here...
....4.34 AM

I do not know what has come over me...
Just three, four weeks ago,.. I was talking to ladies, entertaining them, more important, letting them entertain me..

Now I am entertaining myself,
Not feeling like entertaining women...
Not feeling like going up to one, "Hi"...

Why?
Dammit,... why?

Like until three weeks ago..
I guess its the thing that women, knowing there is no future with me, back off...
What happened many times is,
A girl, after some interaction,
Seems like in a dream... Having the best time..
...then...
Awakens at some point, looks at me, closes her eyes, shakes her head as if trying to erase a picture in her head,
And would be gone in less than sixty seconds...
Her eyes still on me when dancing with another guy, at the bar, or even when leaving...

And I stand there,
Women seeing me interact with her do not approach me, or let me approach.. You know, I am the player... That is a bad thing...
Or I am an asshole, whatever they think, I am blocked..

Then I heard the famous words...
"When you talk to a girl, it means you think she is easy..
If you turn your back though, you become a challenge"
After that, it went downwards..
I saw the interactions people had in the bar with a new eye..
And this eye saw the truth...
And this truth, took me up...
Yea, up...

Everything is relative though...
And the higher you fly, the lower you fall...
That is, if you can feel the fall...

Disco Boys is good... Very good...
Anyway,

I realized I was too much - again...
And realized, my hi, has no function any other than raising the ego of some female...

No..
I refuse...

It has been like this,
I do not go talk to women now... Except when I know I will regret it if I do not go..
And for that she must be something...
Extraordinary...

And that is FUCKING RARE....
The eagle who sores too high looses sight of the little prey...
And the big prey is not so easy to catch...,
And if catched, it is hard to shake the memories, and the feelings, the memory of the quality, memory of fun,
And I guess I have had big preys, a couple too much...
Loosing my eyes on small prey...
Making me not move on a girl who desperately is checking me out, a girl getting hit my men, every five minutes...

A sure shot..
A body to fill my bed..
A girl to make breakfast for..

But no...
I look at her..
Feel nothing...
No excitement...
No arousal...

...

I am bored...
Bored of trying to guess if that girl is interested or not...
I learned not to do kamikaze action.. Long time ago..

Girl checking me out...
So many times they turned to be engaged, or married..
Or bitched on me this way or that..
Flaked on me...
Turned out to be psychos...
Turned out to have psycho friends...
Turned out to be ego bitches..
Turned out to need approval of themselves, by my hi, or by their bye... Still looking at me though...

Am bored of women looking to me as if I am a god,
And not having the guts to approach...

And get bitchy when I approach.. When I am smiling.. poker faced.. or even asshole faced... maybe pimpish faced??

As I got bored of the approach...
"Hi" seems to be a word so distant....
And,
I am bored with these women...

....

The ones for which I am not bored,
Are, a handful, maybe,
Wish I was in the relationship mode...
....

Look at the dilemma...
Not want relationship...
Too picky for "Wham bam, bye ma'am"
Seems like my hand's gonna work for some time...
....

4.53 AM

Disco Boys - Electronic Surgery
Window still open...

....

So, what did I talk about?
Bored of trying to guess the interest level/ genuinity
Bored of providing women with good time, except a handful...
Bored of approaching..
Bored of saying Hi...
Bored of women without balls...
Bored of friend blocks...

....


Like yesterday,
Am chatting with one of the girls in the bar, who has a thousand pair of eyes on her..
And..
Her friend comes...
... Surpriiiise...
"Let's go home"- ...surprise...
Anyway, the friend got ridden of..
We are still chatting, I am having a good time...
Ah, she needs to make a call if she stays.. Needs a driver to drive her home..
Possibly some guy sleeping in his bed, who would do anything for her,
Or she would od anything for him..
Both cases, a mood brake...
What, I am going to entertain her for another guys fun?
Come on...
Where is the dignity in that?
Anyway,
Convo is good, so I stick...
But still,
Why am I talking to a girl,
Who is sexy,
Who likes my company..
But needs a diver home?
No.. no...

....


Today...
Brunette...
Looking over to me...
Very good body...
I do not feel shit...

Blonde, looking smiling...
I do not feel shit...

Other passer byes... Eyes open...
Me, not even take notice...

At one point,
I decide to approach a girl, who made her group move half the dancefloor, and now is dancing almost on my lap...

Well, surprise,....
Her friend keeps pulling her away...
While the girl is still looking at me...
Well girl, I am sorry... I am bored with girl who has friends like that.. Will not invest my time, to get a future bitchblock...

Here on my own...
I dance to the music...

Broke the evenings no hi mode...
what happened?
Got bitchblocked...

Enjoying myself still...
Possibly the only guy who is smiling from the bodily extacy he is in from the dancing...
But the other time I broke the mode, later I did it once more...
I got shot down...
My friend got sent to me to deliver the girl's "Sorry"...
Ah now I see, she is after that guy there..

Fine..
As she is leaving,
"You are so tense..." ME?
SHIT...

I talk to women, I am a player...
I feel like not talking... Or dancing, grinding etc.. I am tense...
FUCK ME.....

"Sorry because you are something special..."
WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN????

And now I am supposed to go up to women and have fun with them???
I will stick to myself...

Time has changed...
Time has changed us...

I wanted to say:
I need a woman, with the courage to stand up in front of me...
A woman, who is a woman...

But then...
I thought..
I know such women...
And what do I do..?....
Nothing good...
This is what I chose...
Gotta stand up to it....

Still...
Being an eagle soaring high, has a price...

And you know what is the worst...
I am not angry right now...
I am not sad..
I am not disappointed...
I am not feeling this, not feeling that...

I just want to write this...

I just realized on the way back home,
I feel nothing...
No feelings for new women...
Not good, not bad...
Nothing at all...
Empty...

I look at them and see the void...
Or just some body taking up space...
Moving around...

5.13 AM

I feel nothing...
It is the emptiness which is scary...
Realization, and time, have had their toll...
Heavy...

The only thing which soothes me is that the girls I met before this shot at my soul,
I still feel like talking to them..
Feel the want to bump into them...
Happened last weekend... Was so beautiful...
Happened this weekend, was so good till I got into the mood I am entertaining a girl who has the possibility of meeting some other guy in the coming half hour.. I will do that only for my friends...
Happened today when I met the colleague of a good friend...

And how many is that?
Not even a handful...
A chosen handful...
A chosen handful quality girls...
So few... So strong...

....

Still, it feels bad to look at a beautiful girl, ready to mate, and feel nothing...
The darkness of her womb holds nothing in it for me...
And I hope this changes..

....

Having a good night, but relying on yourself for entertainment...
Is good...
But the empty darkness outside of my souls keeper, my body..
The empty darkness surrounding me, named as "woman", that is not good...
....

The emptiness with issues,
Emptiness, I tell you:

You want something, get it...
You want something, don't get your ego boost by seeing you can say no..
You want something, fucking work for it....
You want something, act...
You want something, do not freak out...

....

In the bar,
Considering women,
I was just " I am here on my own" - And proved to be the right thing...
Too many freaks of nature out there, lurking in the darkness, on the dancefloor...
Not knowing what they are, nor what they want...
Living a life of coincidence, randomness... First come first served...
No.

....

I choose.
And it stays like this.
If my choice has chosen me,
Means, it was a good choice.

Emptiness...
I do not choose what provides me with emptiness... And that is in abundance...

..........................................

Went to bed,
And was reading a book.. Spartacus..
Its 6.03 AM...
And I realized,
I feel good..
I really feel good...

I feel free...
Free from my own bounds...

Yea... Weightless...
Like as if I am floating in a white vast space.. In some white emptiness..
Its like my chains are broken...
I don't know...
Feels strange...

Want to cry..
Want to laugh...

A smile, or a teardrop...
Relaxation of my soul....

Laid to rest...
Free...
My body...
Free...
Me..
Free...
Unbound..
Uncaring..
Strange...
Feels good.

XXXXXXX up there, but good...
I want to put it into words, better, but I just cannot...

....

Sunday morning...
Somehow it feels like a spice from my life soup has been removed,
A spice which caused bitterness in the soup...
Now it tastes sweet & sour, and quite spicy.. hot...
I realize I have gotten to like this taste...
As women can be said to be the salt in the soup,
The soup is still salty, only the bitter touch is gone..
And for the ones out there thinking whatever you may think,

I cook using a wide variety of spices...