Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Guilt of absence causing nightmares...

My brother was born in the year ’90…

I left to university to Ankara in ’95…

From there on, the next five years, I did not spend more than two months in a year with the kid.. He always looked up to me, and I always loved him, like a brother, like my own child…

Then in 2000, I left to Finland… Almost five years now…

The kid which I last spent everyday with when he was five, now is fifteen, struggling in adolescence, trying to find himself… And I am too fucking far away…

This all came up in one of my nightmares:

I am playing ball with my brother, who has grown up to be 17-18..., when a small girl of the age three comes and hugs him..

When I ask who this is, he tells me,

“She is your sister, but you apparently do not know…”

I turn to her, trying to introduce me, but she runs away, I wake up grasping for breath, my stomach upside down, and feeling like I am buried alive.

No comments:

Post a Comment